10/29/10

Ascending

There is something very stressful about attempting to red point a climb when you have no prior beta and haven't even witnessed some dirtbag climb it before you. Every time I lead climb, I ask myself, "Why I am trying this, this is scary!" I get incredibly stressed out, my heart rate spikes, my palms begin to moisten and I feel weak. I have even been known to throw out an obscenity or two. I am not a fan of this phenomenon. My new solution is to drink three quarters of a beer and then attempt to climb. Now hold on, let me explain before you get your panties in a bunch. The beer counteracts my initial reaction to get stressed out on lead climbs by altering my mental state of being, essentially tricking it into thinking I am doing something very timid, but it doesn't hinder my physical ability to puller super hard. Those of you who have never lead climbed cannot even fathom the stress that comes with the sport. But on the other end of the spectrum, when you climb something that is very difficult and you stick the moves, you feel invinceable. This is the reason I put myself in these types of situations. I'm a little sick, when I say, "I like being scared on the rock, it almost makes it fun." But in all honesty, why else would we do extreme outdoor sports if we didn't have some natural inclination to putting ourselves in epic situations that have the possibility of turning out poorly. We like that stuff. It's fun. We feed off each other's energies and learn to just go for it. Sometimes we puss out and sometimes we get the send we wanted. All in all, a day of stressful climbing is always fun and is infinitely better than a fabulous day at work.

P.S. This post was inspired by my current St. George trip. It has been really amazing, the climbs have been anything from immaculate to downright scary, we've put up a lot of routes, the friends have been really really great, the food has been phenomenal, the sleeping sound and the energy has been super positive and high. I'm going to miss it when it's over. Thankyou Alec for throwing this down.

10/27/10

Snowgasm

As soon as I opened my car door the crisp mountain air flooded through my nasal passage, invigorating my soul. I was at 9000ft. elevation, surrounded by breathtakingly beautiful rockies. Snow canvassed the aprons of the amazing geologic formations we call simply call mountains. It was chilly and I was anxious to pop my powder cherry. I was in Little Cottonwood Canyon at one of the few places on earth that still openly practices some form of genocide, Alta Ski Resort. I know, it's still only October, but we received our first kiss from the snow goddess. She blessed us with 3 feet of her of fluffy white ice crystals for all of us winter enthusiasts to enjoy. She is a mystical being that can be extremely fickle with her white gift, but today she proved why we worship her. If you are reading this, oh snow goddess, I LOVE YOU. The snow was extremely light and the terrain was boney, but I didn't care, I was in the snow! I was surfing the white wave! I can say for sure now that I have been bitten by the bug, the poison is flowing through my blood stream, I am infected! Yesterday was just a taste of the amazing platter we are going to be served up this winter. To keep the snow goddess's good faith, I urge all of you to get out there and show her your best snow dance. Take what she gives and enjoy it. Oh, and always pray for more snow! There is no such thing as too much snow.
Look at all that snow!!

10/26/10

Football Mourns Loss

If you followed the World Cup as intently as I did, you may remember Paul, the psychic octopus. He had a gift that not even the worlds' best soccer analyst's could compete with. Paul perfectly predicted the outcomes of all seven of Germany's games and the World Cup Final where Spain defeated Netherlands 2-1. You might be tempted to ask, why didn't Paul predict other games? That is a question that only God now knows (And we all know that the "enlightened" one won't reveal his eternal enigmas ever). Yesterday evening Paul was entangled in death's unavoidable tentacles and won't live to finish his esteemed tell all book on how he had unlocked the secret of life. He is said to have died peacefully while dreaming of World Cup 2014. 

Paul's guilt from picking Spain over Germany may have lead to his death
Those who knew Paul were amazed at how seemingly easy it was for him to predict the outcomes of the world's most important soccer matches. Paul's owner would prompt his psychic ability by placing two mollusks in separate feeding boxes, each labeled with the opponent's corresponding flags, whichever Paul ate from would emerge victorious! Always! Well, at least eight times. Paul's picking prowess turned him into a superstar overnight. But he never let his fame clout his judgment. He was a phenomenon that the world may never see again. Paul will be buried at The Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany, the site of  all his historic prophesies. Stefan Porwoll, manager of the Oberhausen Sea Life Centre in Germany that housed Paul, had these kind words to say about Paul:
"We are consoled by the knowledge that he enjoyed a good life here and that the care provided him by our dedicated displays team could not have been bettered. His success made him almost a bigger story than the World Cup itself. We may decide to give Paul his own small burial plot within our grounds and erect a modest permanent shrine. While this may seem a curious thing to do for a sea creature, Paul achieved such popularity during his short life that it may be deemed the most appropriate course of action."
This is a terribly sad day in the world of football. I ask you all to give a moment of silence to honor and remember Paul at some point today. Peace out Pauly the Oracle Octopus. May god rest your soul.

10/25/10

First Snow!


just plain old glorius
I awoke this morning cold and shivering in my bed and thought to myself, where is my damn duvet cover? It was unusually cold in my normally warm, cozy bed. My mind slowly began to churn and soon I was making butter. The weather forecast that I have been checking at least 5 times a day since last Friday suddenly popped into my head. "There is a winter storm warning in effect for the Wasatch Front with 2 to 3 feet of snow predicted through Tuesday." (use your best anchorman voice for that) I sprang to my feet, threw on whatever clothes were on my floor and ran outside. A mix of rain and snow was gently falling (slush!!) The grass and my car were covered with a fresh blanket of wet snow. In the northwest we call the wet, heavy stuff, "Cascade Concrete." Oh, the memories. The streets were glimmering from the
"tunnel vision"
moonlight and were in stark contrast to the pristine white grass and cars. It was our first beautifully, cold and wintery morning. The season's are shifting here in Salt Lake, winter is coming and we all just got our first lick of it today. It tastes delicious! The transformation has already begun. The ski bums are beginning to return from their long summers of hard work. The gear whores are buying the latest ski and snowboard tech. Ski
everyone loves a snow bunny
bunnies are already planning out their mountain steez. Everyone is getting stoked for winter. Soon enough we'll all be choking on blower snow as we slash magnificent pow turns on the aprons of the Wasatch. I have a good feeling about this winter!




10/23/10

Skiing Jargon

A recent conversation that I had with Leah. And this is literally word for word. And I quote:

Leah: I love to ski!!! (I hear this almost every day from her)
Tyler: I know of a rail you can grind....
Leah: Is it hard?
Tyler: Oh Yeah! And really long. There are also a few kinks to it.
Leah: Do you think I can handle it??
Tyler: Uh, I'm sure you'll eventually get off...
Leah: I hope its not too rough on me.
Tyler: Yeah, you might need some protection for the head tho.
Leah:  I'll be fine, I like getting a little worked.

I know what you all are thinking, and stop it. You are all perverted and immature. We are talking about skiing here. Thank you and goodnight.

P.S. Whoever called me a "fag"...I'm going to find you!!!

10/22/10

Why I Ride

I'm a climber.
I'm often asked why I ride my bike. Any non-cyclist will tell you that riding a bicycle up seemingly never ending canyon roads, struggling up pitches of  more than 10%, heart rate pounding at a steady 170bpm is absolutely crazy. I love it. I love the adversity, the torture and the pain. There's an electrifying feeling that pulses through my veins when I'm deep in the pain cave and the darkness begins pool into my brain. My legs and lungs are screaming at me to quit, but I keep pushing, one revolution, another, don't stop, never stop. It's torture, but it makes me feel alive. There's an amazing physical and mental transformation that takes place. I'm so focused that my mind is finally calm, I'm not thinking about anything else. Not work, not what I need to do, not what I've done, not this, not that, no mental calculations, not even her, it's a wonderful thing. Most days the pain never stops, but once in a great while I float on cloud nine. I feel invincible, I'm a machine, I prance like a mountain goat straight up sheer cliffs. I feel no pain and am able to push myself farther than I ever imagined. Even on bad days, no matter how awful I feel, I never turn around because I know that when I reach the top, the dopamine will be coursing through my blood and I'll get that feeling of absolute euphoria. I'm high. Then the real fun begins as I bomb downhill at 40+ mph, tucking as tight as possible to see how fast I really can go and banking hard into turns like a giant slalom ski racer. I swear, if it weren't for my sunglasses, my eyeballs would be ripped clean out of their sockets! I'm in the zone. This is why I ride.

10/21/10

Anyone But United!

Q: What the difference between a Manchester United fan and a vibrator?
A: Manchester United fans are real dicks! (bahahahaha)

I really hate Man U. I love to see them lose as much or more than I like to see Arsenal win. Isn't that messed up? Everyone associated with them is a bunch of wankers, their players, their fans (Brian Emory) and most importantly, their manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. Stupid England knighted a bloody football manager!
That is good journalism
The tosser thinks he's God. He's had a number of personal rows with his superstar players and subsequently they have all been transferred. Recall, his infamous kick of a soccer boot in the locker room after their 2-0 defeat toArsenal that struck David Beckham in the face, resulting in two stitches above his eye.
From then on, not even a thousand stitches could fix their relationship and Beckham was gone within four months. Other United stars have seen their marching orders because of similiar rifts with Ferguson, including Eric Cantona, Ruud Van Nistelroy, Roy Keane and Carlos Tevez. I can't recall any other manager being more of a dick than Sir Alex to his players. Maybe he should be relieved from his throne?
Does anyone else see Cabbage?

And now it appears Wayne Rooney is on his way out of United. Sir Alex has made a real dog's dinner with England's ugliest footballer, a beast of a boy that has a striking resemblance to cabbage. He's the only player at United that can single handedly take the game by the scruff and shake out a win. No doubt he's a real ass on the pitch, but one cannot deny his world class skill with a soccer ball. But in all honesty, I could care less if he broke both his legs and could never play for England again! Rooney has publicly stated that he wants out of United and Sir Alex has only confirmed. So, where will Wayne end up? Maybe Real, Chelsea or Man City. Wouldn't that be something if he followed ex-teammate, Carlos Tevez, to City? What a slap in the face that would be to all of United. I'd love it!

The real question is what is United going to do? Continue to let old man Ferguson chase out its star players when they become bigger than him? That's perfectly fine with me. United is on a downward spiral right now and doesn't have a touch of class on the bench to fill in for the out of favorite, Rooney. They are going to continue with their mediocrity because that's all they have. They'll be lucky to finish in a Champion's League qualification if Rooney leaves. Sir Alex has no faith in his current crop of players and I don't blame him. He can't even pick a constant starting XI. This is going to be a great second half of the season for Man U. Fine by me.
Good times in Taho
Emory, I'm sorry if I offended you. You're not really a wanker. I love you buddy and I genuinely miss you. But, as you know, I really really can't stand United. I hope you know I had a lot of fun writing this blog. Keep that United passion burning. Literally, burn all those stupid Man U souvenirs.

10/20/10

America, Land of the Obese



"More people die in the United States of too much food than of too little."   - John Kenneth 

Everyone has heard that totally cliche proverb, "Your body is a temple, so treat it that way" a thousand times. I've heard it so much that it's completely lost its meaning to me and probably every other American. But, If you don't worship your own body, who will? Some sorry desperate loser looking to get laid while in throes of an alcoholic binge might. But who wants that? Seriously.
mmm a fat midget stripper

Most people that knew me in my younger days would be surprised to hear me touting about the importance of taking care of your body through diet and exercise, but I've changed. I've evolved from a skittle and mountain dew, high-fructose sugar crazed addict into a fitness freak, all thanks to the greatest invention in the history of mankind, the bicycle. Co-workers poke fun at me in the break room for eating so healthy. Some people just don't get it. I know I'm not the healthiest person on the planet, I drink alcohol, I indulge. But I avoid the gut bombs, the downfall of American health, Fast Food Restaurants and I exercise...a lot.
this kid probably already has type II diabetes...poor bastard
Now onto the good stuff. Foods that boost your mood and energy levels. I'm talking about those foods that release a little wonder chemical called serotonin (controls feelings of well-being) and are packed with protein, fiber, omega 3 fatty acids, magnesium and whatever else your "temple" desires. Not what your taste buds desire....Here are a few foods and guidelines for a better sense of well-being throughout your day:
  • NEVER EVER skip breakfast!! It's the first thing you put in your body since that snack you had last night at 9pm. It's like not filling up your gas tank and trying to drive your car on empty, you're gonna run out of gas eventually. Try eating oatmeal, muesli, yogurts, kachi cereal with soymilk. Basically, anything with fiber and protein. Proteins are your bodies building blocks for converting what you ingest into usable energy. 

too pretty to eat...I think not.
  •  Snack often! Don't base your day around large meals and starve yourself from meal to meal. Its hard on your digestive system and slows your metabolism. Instead, eat small portions every 3-4 hours. Eat before you get hungry.

  • Avoid foods that cause your blood sugar to spike and then plummet. i.e. foods with high fructose sugar (candy and sodas) and bad carbs, like white breads and packaged pretzels. Go for whole grains, your body uses them at a much slower rate, keeping your sugar levels at an even keel. 

high fructose = devil
  • Drink lots of water. Dehydration and fatigue go hand in hand. Some studies suggest even mild dehydration can slow your metabolism. 
Hydration is key!

    • Everyone gets cravings for something sweet at some point throughout the day and most people turn to sodas, candies and baked goods. BAD IDEA. Instead, get the sugar from fresh fruits or a piece of chocolate
      Happy Food!
      •  Indulge in moderation. Don't eat two or three cookies, you piglet. Eat one. Have a few french fries, not the entire carton. Grab a small piece of candy, but don't take a handful. It's ok to indulge, but what isn't ok, is when you can't control yourself. If you have control issues, sometimes abstaining is the best idea until you can learn to curb your urges.  
      If he can, so can you!
      • Here's a quick list of some of my personal favorites for grab and go snacks: pb & j, mixed nuts, bananas, apples and peanut butter, peaches, any fresh fruits, carrots, string cheese, yogurt w/ crushed nature valley oats bars, cliff bars, chocolate milk and popcorn. 
      • EXERCISE. Get out and do something. Even if you don't feel like it, do something, it will make you feel a lot better. Remember that wonder chemical....serotonin. Whenever you exercise this is released into your blood stream and gives you what some people refer to as "The Runner's High." 

      Runner's High


      I'm certainly no expert, but I know what works for me and thought it might be informative to share my ideas. Diets don't work, but forming smart and healthy habits do! 









      10/19/10

      Funny Websites!!

      I'm so bored right now that anything remotely interesting could entertain me for at least 5 minutes. Here are a few websites that I have found to hold my attention for more than 5 minutes at a time. Enjoy!
      Yes, I know I should probably be more productive at work, but in all fairness to myself, what for? I'm here, I'm getting paid, I get off at the same time regardless of whether or not everyone else is done. This is my way obscure way of asking for a raise...I hope my boss is reading this. 



      The Case of the Misplaced Eyebrow

      "A man without a moustache is like a cup of tea without sugar" - English Proverb (seriously)

      Today's post is dedicated to every man bold enough to sport that dirty piece of carpet on his upper lip. Yes, I'm referring to the moustache. And yes, I am stylishly equipped with one myself as I tap tap tap away on this keyboard. I have an excuse, at least that's what I'm telling people, "It's for my halloween costume." When in reality I just wanted to have a moustache. Why is it that I need an excuse to wear a moustache? People wear stupid hats all the time, guys wear girls' jeans and men and women alike sport mullets like they are the coolest people on earth (there's truly something fascinating about those people's psychological complex). But here I am getting called a pervert by a co-worker for having a moustache! What gives? In my defense, here are some great moustaches of history...
      Stalin

      Hitler
      Salvador Dali
      Bert Reynolds
      Now c'mon, I dare you to tell me those men aren't cool. I rest my case!


      10/18/10

      Dopador

      "These are not racers, they are pedaling test tubes" - Judge Daniel Delegrove (He presided over Richard Vireque's doping case)

      Cycling never fails to let me down on a personal level. It's always there for me and something I can always count on. My bike isn't going to ride off without me, unless some a**hole decides it fits him better. When it comes to the sport of cycling, at the professional level, I am often let down. I know all about Lance and the past of other great riders. It was just part of the culture and competition. If you wanted to have a chance of even a glimmer of form you had to be juicing. But, I thought we were beginning a new era of cleaner riders, turns out they are just getting more sophisticated with their means of enhancement. If you haven't heard the latest news yet, Alberto Contador, 3-time TDF winner and winner of the Giro and Vuelta in 2008 has tested positive for clenbuterol and plasticizers. WOW! I thought he was just a freak of nature. His positive test was for an insanely small amount (something like 0.00000006g) of the beta2 adrenergic agonist, which basically speeds up metabolism and dilates the airway, thus allowing more air. Big deal, right? WRONG! Clenbuterol isn't naturally found in humans, so it had to get there by some other means....
      Contador at a recent cycling event
      Here's Contador's lame ass excuse in his fruity little spanish accent, "I ate a steak that was delivered to me from my native country of espana, it must have contained clenbuterol because I would never take it knowingly." His claim might have some truth if it were 10 years ago, but ranchers haven't been giving their cattle clenbuterol for years in Spain, it has been outlawed by their equivalent of the FDA and no positive tests for clen have been found in a sample of beef in 3 years in Spain!! He's also had over a month now to figure out where this contaminated beef came from and still he has nothing....hmmm.

      Why would you do that to Alberto, Mr Cow?
      SO, here's the latest theory. In the off-season he was taking clenbuterol to keep his weight down. While training for the TDF he had blood withdrawn to save for a later time when it might come in handy (the TDF). I'm guessing he and his doctor assumed the clen was completely out of his system by this time. During the TDF he was given a transfusion of his own blood to boost his hematocrit and give him that extra edge to hold off the challenges of Andy Schleck. He does. He wins. He thinks he is fooling us all. But the German Lab is really good at finding small amounts of drugs and they also find small amounts of plasticizers in his sample, reinforcing this theory. DAAAMMNNN you, Alberto!

      No ban has been given to Mr. Contador yet. This is going to be a slow process because everyone in cycling doesn't want to see this happen. This could have a huge negative effect on the sport if the greatest rider since Lance is labeled a doper. He could see a two year ban from cycling just as Team RadioShack’s Fuyu Li did when he failed a test for Clenbuterol. And professional cycling would be turned on its head.

      Here is a great artice as to why any rider would take clenbuterol: Why Clenbuterol

      Taming the Lioness

       "When women go wrong, men go right after them" - Mae West

      Nature seems to have shown some prejudice when she fashioned the lioness. With enough vivacity, cleverness, grace, beauty, and just plain sex appeal for at least three women, with some left over. Don't expect to tame her into a docile little maid who hangs on your every word. The man who expects her to worship at his feet is living in a fool's paradise. Consider yourself lucky if she meets you halfway, respects you, is willing to be your partner and allows you to possess her emotionally. By the very act of permitting you to love her, she's practically knighted you, for heaven's sake. Seriously, you could do-a lot worse. A lioness is a lot of woman. She's rather a luxury item, not available in the bargain basement. Oh, and don't blame the lioness for her occasional arrogance and vanity. It's her nature to feel herself above the common masses. People seldom resent it, because the woman who's warmly loved and respected can be the kindest and most generous of females. You can't really expect her to step down from a throne that's her birthright. She's a typical Sun child, she's so gracious and dazzling that most people gladly give her credit for being out of the ordinary. Truthfully, she is. She's intelligent, witty, strong, and capable, yet deliciously feminine at the same time. She radiates exuberance and sophistication in almost every situation. No one in his right mind could call that common. Do not expect to be able to hold the lioness's attention for long, she has a mind of her own, her own ideals and is incredibly strong willed to carry out her desires. Let her roam the jungle, embarking on her own is what she was designed to do. Make her feel like she's in control. Compliments go a long way with this one and are not to be overlooked or underestimated. She can't be bought, but loves to receive. Make her feel special, but don't lay it on too heavy or she will get bored. Keeping her interest level high is your only chance. She can be tamed, but is no task for the common man.....

      Opening Credits

      "Get a bicycle! You will not regret it if you live." - Mark Twain

      I've never had a blog before, but I thought it would be a fun way to document whatever I want. So in honor of my good friend at work, "OK heeerree we go!"

      The Death Ride is a ride a that is waaay longer and more difficult than you had planned. I participated in one yesterday that was completely and totally self inflicted. The idea was to start at the Spiro Trail near Park City Mountain Resort, ride up to Wasatch Crest, bomb back down to the Mid-Mountain Trail and cruise it on back to the car. Notice the use of the word "cruise", this was not a cruise back to the car, but alas, what is a mountain bike ride without some form of mutiny!? After 3 hours and 50 minutes, 28 miles, 4600 ft. of elevation gain and descent (the descent was freaking awesome!) two flat tires, three wasted C02 cartridges (one used properly), a patch kit, borrowed pump, thank you good sir for saving my ride! and plenty of food and water I finished the most epic ride I have logged to date.

      The climb up to the Crest is grueling and is not for the average Joey, but once you make it up the legendary "Puke Hill" that tops out at 9800ft and a 22% grade you are rewarded with one of the most breath taking views the Wasatch has to offer and an amazing single track trail that rolls across the ridge that separates SLC and PC.
      Desolation Lake from the Crest


      Here is where flat #1 and the wasting of all my CO2 cartridges occurred, just before razor back ridge, I still am racking my brain as to why my CO2 pump would betray when I needed it most! After a few desperate minutes I rode razorback ridge clean for the first time! It waaasss scary. My butt was puckered like it only gets when you have that "Oh shit, why did I get myself in this situation" feeling, like only the great outdoors can do. From there I rode out the remainder of the crest and descended down some unknown trail to the mess of a trail that is the newly re-routed Mid-Mountain trail (thank you very much Canyons Resort) Here is where I severely underestimated my ride, I failed to grasp that I had another 10 miles to the car and over a 1000 ft. of climbing left to do. And then things got even better, I flatted again! Out of tubes and CO2, I was royally fucked. I began to hike the bike and cursing the whole way at my luck. Luckily about 20 minutes later I encountered a group of riders who were kind enough to loan me some air and I was back on my two wheeled buggy again, YES. If not for this fortunate encounter, I would've had to walk over 6 miles, all downhill back to the car and definitely would've left a sour taste in my mouth for years. This is where the ride gets really really fun, ripping downhill on single track through aspens and brush, navigating twists and turns and not really knowing what is around the next bend is what makes this descent exciting. When I arrived back at the car, I had a shit eating grin on my face and all my trials and tribulations of the previous 4 hours were forgotten with this 15 minute descent. I love riding my bike!

      Literal "Snake Bite"
      I knew this blog thing had a purpose, thank you for reminding me to call tramdock and return that POS tire that I bought a few weeks ago. I've had four flats in the last three mountain bike rides I have done with this f'ing tire! All snake bites! For those that do not know what meaning of this serpentine reference is, it is when your inner tube is pinched between the rim of the tire and a rock or obstacle that you have hit while riding, thus leaving two small tears in your tube that resemble a snake bite. Not cool!